N Thursday, February 14, 2008
hi, im back.. people have been asking me why i have stopped blogging.. and it is naturally that those pple are those who noe tt i haf a blog.. i read a few of my entries back bout half a yr ago, and i realise how things change amazingly.. at the same time , i do realise what the 'butterfly effect' is all about.. when i 1st heard bout this theory, i thought it was just another novelist trying to make a name by saying something extract..
initially, if i have strived to work hard and for better scholarship, i wont be sitting down here in ntu, worrying about cashflow prob.. if i had made full use of the money that i earned outside and not talked all the big theories about how mature i have become, maybe i might haf gotten the breakthrough that i want.. if i haf reacted fast enough, i would have a nicer figure in my bank account.. if only...
for the past half a year, i haf entered uni, started studying again, trying to find my way ard in this big and alien campus, went holiday in japan but did not enjoyed much, and found out tt my grades r act at e bottom of my course, and to top it off, i haf encountered e worst cashflow prob of my life.. i thot i was gd and smart enough to think ahead, but i guess somebody out there wants to teach me a lesson.. for the past 3 mths, i really haf humbled.. humbled by the fact tt i cant take anything for granted.. humbled by the fact tt i haf taken life too comfortably.. kar gea scolded me once and it was a gd one.. for the fact that i haf not written a resume, haf not been going around and asking for a job ever since i finished my a levels, i haf been and still taking my life too comfortably.. i wont be writting another resume for the next 6 to 7 yrs of my life.. i may not need to write one, who knows?!
something is very wrong with my life.. i only hang around with the same small group of frens, i haf to constantly worry bout how much cash i haf left in my wallet and in the bank.. my social circle is shrinking by the day.. even as i go for lessons, i go alone.. sometimes i even eat my meals alone, trying to finish as fast as possible, so as to avoid the lonliness and embarassment.. i haven been concentrating much bout studies.. something inside me tells me that i am changing.. i wasnt like this half a year ago..
i have been observing myself.. i have been v business like, cold-blooded and effective.. sometimes i dun even stare pple in the eye when i talk to them.. even as we talk bout v day today, i dun even haf much female friends, so as to speak.. i have become too calm in terms of crisis.. i got this feeling when i was looking thru e facebook pic and den i realise how uni can change one person's life.. i saw alot of interaction between my friends and their new found friends.. they went overseas together, play together and it is obvious that they are having fun.. when i looked back at my profile pic, it only says that i havent been going to alot of places and enjoying myself, sharing the experiences together with close friends..
i envy those people who goes overseas with their boyfriends/girlfriends and tour around the place, having alot of fun.. one of them even hit my raw nerve, where she manage to tour around europe with her boyfriend, never mind that they are on overseas attachment trip.. touring europe and backpacking haf been one of my golden dream, and i can see it not being fulfilled after i graduate, cuz of work related issues..
i haf fallen.. every day i try to put on a mask, telling pple tt i am fine.. but deep down, i noe everything isnt.. and the main part of it is money, or rather the lack of it.. haf i been too money minded? i would say no.. my social life is shrinking, and its no thx to my lack of participation ard campus life.. i haven going out to pubs and all.. its been a long time tt i been to ktv.. if u see me next time in e canteen alone, eating 2 bucks of zhar cai fan only, prob u noe wat to do..
P.S happy valentine's day to all lovers.. though i never believe the significance of this day.. haha..
' the world continues to spin' , 2:12 am
